Underlying Feeling

Finally! The last time I'll ever close the shop at 11pm on the evening! No more of being the only shop still open at 10, and having to watch every other shop around you close (except MACDONALDS), and their employees all changed and ready to go home while you'll still stuck there saying "WELCOME", and "GOODBYE SEE YOU AGAIN" to them as they leave. Oooh the liberty. And here I am, home at last, all showered ready for bed, but somehow i just dont feel like sleeping just yet. Kind of like I have all these thoughts stuck in my head that i cant get out, when there's just nobody around to talk to! I don't have much to say to my closest mates actually, because honestly I think they've heard just about enough from me sometimes haha! Like same situation, same problem! You're still stuck in that same old well! When do you ever plan to climb out that kind of thing? And somehow I'm pretty tired of sharing my various hopes for the better with others already, like, why am i wasting time HOPING instead of doing or trying something that could potentially help, rather than imagine it to happen, out of thin air! Like take example if there's some girl I'm slowly trying go after at the moment! I'd find myself pretty often talking about how I hope things will turn out, and maybe I should try this this this, or that and that in the current situation, and I'm grateful for their opinions on the matter, like if something turned out funny they'd say, "Oh maybe she's just shy no worries... it's not you", But yeah i mean I'm afraid I'm so well aware of reality that i know it's all just meant to make me feel better! But thanks nonetheless guys haha! But at the end of the day their opinions might not be the same as that of the MAIN SUBJECT itself! So it's puzzling! Like I will never know if I'm doing something really WRONG or if I'm really on the right path on my own. So it's all trial and error for now I guess! It feels somehow remarkably exciting and thrilling in it's own way, like "Ooooh-here's-that-long-awaited-chance you've been looking for! Waited for dunno how many blue moons already! Get to it!", But at the same time it's also incredibly frightening, "Man if I screw this up again... what am i going to do! Finding a suitable one is hard and took long enough! I can't screw this up." Sure that's easy to say! But then "Wait... how do i not screw this up? I don't know. Perfect. I simply dont know ANYTHING about not screwing up. Do I remember anything about being successful even once? No, and no that one time doesn't count - AT ALL! All I remember are all the perfect screw-ups I've had over the years a 20 year old can possibly have." So yeah you basically get the idea! And worst of all is the thought that keeps screaming in the back of my head "I don't want to become a creep! Not like the others!! But how?" I feel like I'm about to jump into a big bucket of ice! STILL, I really have to keep encouraging myself to try try try try try. Try first! See how it goes, good or bad, take it or leave it. But to find the courage is tough. Ever had those long moments (usually in the afternoon!) to ponder over whether you should do something or not before you actually carry it out? Yeah wow, how often it happens to me man. Yet I've finally found a strange way of gaining ABIT more courage to do it. So strange it is, it's actually going for a work-out! Whether it's running till I'm dying on the side of the treadmill of stomach cramps and panting like a fish out of water, working those gym weights for the whole afternoon and gratifying all the pain, or swimming as if I've been dropped in the middle of the ocean, and Singapore's many many miles away! Because at the end of it, you get some sort of Euphoria from exerting yourself, especially if you've just worked past your limit, broke a personal best, and when the body's recovering it starts feeding you the feel good sensation, satisfaction! And that's where the confidence comes! Sadly to say haha! that I HAVE specially made a decision after a whole day at gym, and another after a 4km swim! Of course there were many others, but these two were particularly significant! But somehow dont you just wonder after you've made those decisions, are they the right ones? HAHA oh well. These problems will never end. I'll just have to keep trying. And since there's no one online to share this with! I'll have to lay it all out on the blog, and that's why I'm here.

And wow! How do you actually MOVE someone, whom you already know has an interest probably elsewhere? Wonderful. Another problem I have to solve in time hahaha! Got to stay positive.