Disappointment?

Oh christ sweet jesus, mother of buddha! Is my luck really that bad in life? Once again I have failed my stupid driving test, Then of course I'd have a thousand reasons to say why i shouldn't have failed, and then I'll be bombarded with another thousand reasons why i should have rightfully failed blah blah blah, honestly I grow weary of it all, so I'm going to have to put it all out of mind for the moment. No major mistakes for me today, no immediate failures, It wasn't perfect, but I was pretty sure it was the best i could have given, in and out of the circuit. 4 lessons learning a whole new vehicle would have pretty much paid off if I passed, all those little paper notes i wrote at home for the new vehicle should have pretty much reminded me of the differences from the Honda VTI. Still I guess that won't be enough, especially with a tester who just loves picks on every nitty gritty detail of the car. Ooooh if you wanna kill me please just do it with a huge knife and a big clean stab into the chest, why'd you have to go through the big trouble of getting a really tiny one, then slowly cutting and sawing in a zig zag manner through the flesh? He gave me every tiny mistake possible, half of it solely came from mirrors. Mirrors mirrors mirrors. How can i possibly do a lane change or turn without using my mirrors even once. Maybe my head wasn't moving enough or something! I'll be sure to do a 360 turn the next time round. Sure some of the mistakes i made are definitely justifiable, but seriously all the mirrors one? My mirrors itself amounted about 16 points. The next dumbest one was my handbrake on the slope. I moved off after releasing the handbrake, and i kept forgetting that the JAZZ model makes amazing handbrakes and included this annoying beeping sensor to it too. I released it, but apparantely it wasn't flat enough into the dock, so as i went down the slope it just went *deet deet deet*, and i was knew what that was so i quickly released it somemore. But wow really ruthless, gave me points for that too. Added with the rest, wow high score! 32. I have never hit so high in my life. The previous test i had one immediate, but still amounted only 18. In other words I was screwed from the very beginning meeting this guy. Sure enough talking to a friend (who already passed!), she got the exact same dude, saaaameee problem, failed all because of the bloody mirrors and high score. Am i fed up? Yeah i suppose so, After starving myself on crap for about 2 months to cover the lesson fees and the test fees, having practically no life and staying home most of the time on my off days, only to have it thrown into the bin, how can i not be the least bit unhappy even if I tried to be? I could put on the haha-face to everyone i met, but it will never hide my true feelings inside. My only comfort is that well, at least this time it didn't feel half as bad as the last time, though it sure as hell ruined my day, and that eventually it will be put out of my mind. I still have my two legs, I can still walk around, and i guess i wont have to snatch dad's car anytime soon. I will probably become the butt joke of my mates if they found out, i mean sure, they can laugh long at hard at me, And I will always get into this mini-depression mode that lasts for about a day or two, before finally this put on the similar strong-fronted mask no matter how unhappy or upset i get and hide all the emotions. I may fail time and time again, but I will never ever appear to be weak in front of others again. That is a big mistake any man can make.

Still it kind of bothers me, with all this silly issues in life. Firstly it's the money, Do i really want to go through another month or so of lifelessness? JUST so i can get that license, my own supposed ticket to being an adult? Or should i just give it up for now, and return to it probably in the near future, when perhaps everything is more or less stabilized, and when i have a proper career and stuff. Would it be better then? I know the only way i can continue this farce is to stick out my hand in front of my dad and ask him for more money, but what the hell would that prove. Im already working so why on heaven and earth should i take money from him, except when school starts of course. So probably no, but then again it's quite a fool's notion to give up after so long, and I HATE giving up, on anything (except maybe on certain people), I'd sooner die than face a loss. Like wow i've come all this way, So close to passing, then I'm quitting. Course It'd be simpler to decide if the whole test is FREE. But it's not, it's $156 each time for booking a test, and a $238 for 4 lessons. That money isn't coming out of my CPF, It's coming out of my ever-bleeding savings account, my lifeblood, my life. I put in alot of effort working 6 days a week, and overtiming in Topshop last month, just to get some extra cash to spend, and at the same time save up. I'm not about to bleed all of that away for some drive around I can enjoy better on a PS3. Somehow I begin to realise alot from this, about being an adult. It isn't simply about getting a job, getting a girlfriend, getting money, etc etc. It's all about these hundreds and thousands of choices. Which one is right which one seems wrong, and at the end of the day the real problem is which one to pick. And it's not a "yes" or "no" thing, It's more like "Yes, BUT .... " and "No, but then..." God these things are really giving me problems in the head.

And the other thing i realise about myelf and things around me is: Everyone can do it the first time, most probably by the second time, and they can do it for more or less everything, but noooo I can't, I have to do it again and again and again and again till I finally succeed. My only comforting thought? Is that when I succeed (after very very long), I tend to be slightly better than the rest, that said, without ego or hubris included. But man do i really have to stumble for then, fall and fall, like, how many times do i have to scrape my knees before I accomplish something. People can climb up to the top of the hill unscathed, and I always have to go up bloody with tattered clothes and a walking stick to go along with it. The whole concept of this problem is that when people finally reach the top of THAT hill, the still have the strength to speak and look good, they can give good advice, blah blah blah. When I'm finally up there, and when I speak with a mouth full of broken teeth? Who the HELL is gonna be interested in listening to this old man blabber some 3 cents worth? I cant look good either, and neither would I be as credible. And when we're both off to a next new task, lets say another hill, To him it's just another climb, to me it's the whole fall all over again. Gonna to roll down this hill first, before i climb on 4's up the next. Oh come on god, or whoever's up there on that mighty white seat that could easily pass off as a toilet bowl, I know I have an almost supernatural patience, a stronger will than my 2 other siblings and than most people I know, I can take more hits than some people too, I can take pain, Hell i think i might even be able to give birth too! But is all that PAIN necessary for me? Just because i can take doesn't mean I WANT it. Like if i can help it, why not move my foot away before it gets stepped on? Why can't i get everything right on the first try, and not through all the trial and errors in life? This isn't just driving man, it's close to everything. Studies, work, sports. Even woo-ing people is a big pain in the ass for me. Maybe it's something about myself I have to look further into as i grow, Then maybe i can change the way things turn out. Oh boy, for now, I just really hope for my luck to turn for the better. My ship's been in stormy waters long enough, and the sky can only hold that much rain. It has to end soon.