Disappointment?

Oh christ sweet jesus, mother of buddha! Is my luck really that bad in life? Once again I have failed my stupid driving test, Then of course I'd have a thousand reasons to say why i shouldn't have failed, and then I'll be bombarded with another thousand reasons why i should have rightfully failed blah blah blah, honestly I grow weary of it all, so I'm going to have to put it all out of mind for the moment. No major mistakes for me today, no immediate failures, It wasn't perfect, but I was pretty sure it was the best i could have given, in and out of the circuit. 4 lessons learning a whole new vehicle would have pretty much paid off if I passed, all those little paper notes i wrote at home for the new vehicle should have pretty much reminded me of the differences from the Honda VTI. Still I guess that won't be enough, especially with a tester who just loves picks on every nitty gritty detail of the car. Ooooh if you wanna kill me please just do it with a huge knife and a big clean stab into the chest, why'd you have to go through the big trouble of getting a really tiny one, then slowly cutting and sawing in a zig zag manner through the flesh? He gave me every tiny mistake possible, half of it solely came from mirrors. Mirrors mirrors mirrors. How can i possibly do a lane change or turn without using my mirrors even once. Maybe my head wasn't moving enough or something! I'll be sure to do a 360 turn the next time round. Sure some of the mistakes i made are definitely justifiable, but seriously all the mirrors one? My mirrors itself amounted about 16 points. The next dumbest one was my handbrake on the slope. I moved off after releasing the handbrake, and i kept forgetting that the JAZZ model makes amazing handbrakes and included this annoying beeping sensor to it too. I released it, but apparantely it wasn't flat enough into the dock, so as i went down the slope it just went *deet deet deet*, and i was knew what that was so i quickly released it somemore. But wow really ruthless, gave me points for that too. Added with the rest, wow high score! 32. I have never hit so high in my life. The previous test i had one immediate, but still amounted only 18. In other words I was screwed from the very beginning meeting this guy. Sure enough talking to a friend (who already passed!), she got the exact same dude, saaaameee problem, failed all because of the bloody mirrors and high score. Am i fed up? Yeah i suppose so, After starving myself on crap for about 2 months to cover the lesson fees and the test fees, having practically no life and staying home most of the time on my off days, only to have it thrown into the bin, how can i not be the least bit unhappy even if I tried to be? I could put on the haha-face to everyone i met, but it will never hide my true feelings inside. My only comfort is that well, at least this time it didn't feel half as bad as the last time, though it sure as hell ruined my day, and that eventually it will be put out of my mind. I still have my two legs, I can still walk around, and i guess i wont have to snatch dad's car anytime soon. I will probably become the butt joke of my mates if they found out, i mean sure, they can laugh long at hard at me, And I will always get into this mini-depression mode that lasts for about a day or two, before finally this put on the similar strong-fronted mask no matter how unhappy or upset i get and hide all the emotions. I may fail time and time again, but I will never ever appear to be weak in front of others again. That is a big mistake any man can make.

Still it kind of bothers me, with all this silly issues in life. Firstly it's the money, Do i really want to go through another month or so of lifelessness? JUST so i can get that license, my own supposed ticket to being an adult? Or should i just give it up for now, and return to it probably in the near future, when perhaps everything is more or less stabilized, and when i have a proper career and stuff. Would it be better then? I know the only way i can continue this farce is to stick out my hand in front of my dad and ask him for more money, but what the hell would that prove. Im already working so why on heaven and earth should i take money from him, except when school starts of course. So probably no, but then again it's quite a fool's notion to give up after so long, and I HATE giving up, on anything (except maybe on certain people), I'd sooner die than face a loss. Like wow i've come all this way, So close to passing, then I'm quitting. Course It'd be simpler to decide if the whole test is FREE. But it's not, it's $156 each time for booking a test, and a $238 for 4 lessons. That money isn't coming out of my CPF, It's coming out of my ever-bleeding savings account, my lifeblood, my life. I put in alot of effort working 6 days a week, and overtiming in Topshop last month, just to get some extra cash to spend, and at the same time save up. I'm not about to bleed all of that away for some drive around I can enjoy better on a PS3. Somehow I begin to realise alot from this, about being an adult. It isn't simply about getting a job, getting a girlfriend, getting money, etc etc. It's all about these hundreds and thousands of choices. Which one is right which one seems wrong, and at the end of the day the real problem is which one to pick. And it's not a "yes" or "no" thing, It's more like "Yes, BUT .... " and "No, but then..." God these things are really giving me problems in the head.

And the other thing i realise about myelf and things around me is: Everyone can do it the first time, most probably by the second time, and they can do it for more or less everything, but noooo I can't, I have to do it again and again and again and again till I finally succeed. My only comforting thought? Is that when I succeed (after very very long), I tend to be slightly better than the rest, that said, without ego or hubris included. But man do i really have to stumble for then, fall and fall, like, how many times do i have to scrape my knees before I accomplish something. People can climb up to the top of the hill unscathed, and I always have to go up bloody with tattered clothes and a walking stick to go along with it. The whole concept of this problem is that when people finally reach the top of THAT hill, the still have the strength to speak and look good, they can give good advice, blah blah blah. When I'm finally up there, and when I speak with a mouth full of broken teeth? Who the HELL is gonna be interested in listening to this old man blabber some 3 cents worth? I cant look good either, and neither would I be as credible. And when we're both off to a next new task, lets say another hill, To him it's just another climb, to me it's the whole fall all over again. Gonna to roll down this hill first, before i climb on 4's up the next. Oh come on god, or whoever's up there on that mighty white seat that could easily pass off as a toilet bowl, I know I have an almost supernatural patience, a stronger will than my 2 other siblings and than most people I know, I can take more hits than some people too, I can take pain, Hell i think i might even be able to give birth too! But is all that PAIN necessary for me? Just because i can take doesn't mean I WANT it. Like if i can help it, why not move my foot away before it gets stepped on? Why can't i get everything right on the first try, and not through all the trial and errors in life? This isn't just driving man, it's close to everything. Studies, work, sports. Even woo-ing people is a big pain in the ass for me. Maybe it's something about myself I have to look further into as i grow, Then maybe i can change the way things turn out. Oh boy, for now, I just really hope for my luck to turn for the better. My ship's been in stormy waters long enough, and the sky can only hold that much rain. It has to end soon.

Electric Hazeee

Yup, I picked up the remote, and pressed the pause button on my day job for now. Goodbye Marina Square, goodbye Topshop, Goodbye ugly black hangers that never cease to fall all over the floor, goodbye to the ugly smelly knickers, I hate arranging you over and over again! And lastly goodbye to the SHOPFLOOR! No need to clean you anymore wooohoooo! But stay clean always yeah? I'd hate to have to scrub you again.

Waking up knowing you can slowly climb out of your bed, eyes still closed even, is simply awesome in small doses. No need to rush to the toilet and get read, no need to pack the food, no need to walk 15 minutes just to get to the MRT, Then no need to be all sweaty and squeeze with other sweaty people on board, no need to worry if my goddahm EZ LINK card need to top up $10 again or not! OOOH think i'll just lie on the floor for abit more... mmmm... okay now to the bathroom. I can lie somemore in there...

I'm back to driving lessons once more, and after so long of not PROPERLY driving the dahm thing, I seem to have forgotten most of everything. Plus I'm learning and taking the test with a new car now! Awesome... wonder how many times my car kept stalling on the stupid slope becuase I'm not used to the biting point. My tester is so going to love this. Stupid Taxi die die didn't wanna give way to me today also, even when I'm changing lane halfway already, bugger just sped forward. I swear if My left hand wasn't changing gears i would have thrown something out the window. Mmmm am I turning into an ANGRY driver? Let's hope not. But today just wasn't smooth, itty bitty mistakes here and there. And when's my test? lets just say it's the day... after tomorrow. AWESOME. I'm so confident right now, I'm gonna do it with a blindfold. Wonder if i should show the tester that i drive equally well on the grass and on the road. I know I probably should get it done and over with now! But still, ah boy. You gotta hate these dahm tests. And TOUGH luck. Maybe i should follow a friend of mine, go temple and pray for some AWESOME road conditions, good weather, NICE tester etc etc... And just nice there's one at the side of BBDC, CONVENIENT. I shall pray to that big sexy golden statue towering the whole place before i drive out! Hope it works!

Mussels for Muscles and Oysters for eyes

SALES. IS. KILLING. ME. Ughhh that plus an impending cold that's constantly knocking on my door, asking me to let it in. But I won't! But that goddahm virus is making me feel extra cold after meals and during work, so much so sometimes i find myself shivering for no good reason. And just how much do women worship SALES seriously OMG. When i opened the shop yesterday and today, it didn't take longer than 5 seconds for people to start rushing in and sifting through my racks of clothes! "Shuck-Shuuuuck" And "Plunk---!" Bloody hell use hand to move clothes also need so much force that my hanger fly into the sky wah piang eh. Auntie ah Auntie no one to steal your size 16 from you why you worry? And I dont know what these people step on nowadays, all that CRAP just gets stuck to my floor and i have a hard time trying to mop them out. And when i do, and it's a little wet, more of those pesky long-haired, sale-hungry wenches come in through the door and step all over my hard work! Back to square one... mop mop mop. Then some auntie decides not to look at the floor even once to check if it's wet or not, and while on top does a 360 degree ballet turn, then walks zig zag across my wet floor. Fuck man, I put OIL on the floor then you know! YES cleaniness is my code, my imperative! I cannot stand the very shop I'm working for being looked upon as filthy and inaccessible, I like my shop to be pleasing to the human EYES! That is why I clean Topshop Marina Square with a fierce passion unlike any other. Who cares about the slightly bad sales? Or some of the bossy pricks that walk through? They are stepping on my floor and using my goddahm fitting rooms, and as long as I am here, I'm going to make this the CLEANEST topshop, ever. And by the way it's just Topshop. Topman... you all settle yourself wahahaha! Since you all always so free can stand by the counter shake leg huaha!

5 more days in Topshop before I before my short career break. A breath of fresh air, and a breath of the old one too. It'll be back to pasir laba camp, back to my home, my recreational room, my 12pm pool sessions in the mess with my mates! My old unit, and to be greeted by my new one! which is thankfully house just one block away oh gosh. It'll be fun definitely. CLUBBING on wednesdays if I can help it! I sure hope not much has changed with them, be really good to see all of them again even though i orded barely just 3 months ago. Oh hope hope hope.

A look in the mirror

Woke up at 9am in the Morning, Feeling as if i were half drunk, but still managed to gather what remained of my wits to drag myself to the bathroom for a good cleanup! It's the usual end-of-the-week feeling i get on each off, as if, wow, haven't been working out for quite sometime hmmm! Time to get your ass off the couch boy, hit the gym, and do some running! Maybe get a swim too! Or so I told myself. Little did I know what's wrong with my body today. I just finished the sit up and i went onto the treadmill, confident as ever! For the first Kilometre i could still breathe through my nose perfectly without much effort, and while i was running my head was watching Channel new asia on a suspended tv set. Like so stylo, can watch tv and run. Chicks would just dig that BAHAHAH. But anyway as I hit 1.6km I started to feel this HUGE burning pain erupting from my stomach, I have never felt that before, but it was strong and unlike much of the pain you'd expect to experience after a run! I thought maybe i could get over it and continue, but then it started to get worse, and i capped myself off at 2km before i decided my body was a no-go for today. And the moment I stopped running! The small matchstick flame erupted into a forest fire. I could barely force myself to stand straight before hurrying myself into the toilet, where i finally couldn't bear with the pain any longer and just clutched my stomach in front of the sink. But no matter what I did the pain just wouldn't subside, so I just gripped my stomach tightly and held on for what seemed like dear life! OMG as if I had just been shot by a bullet or something, or some big bully just gave me an unforgivable punch in the abs, and there i was sprawled on the floor. Now I think I know what being a WOMAN with PERIOD actually feels like! Gosh that sucks. Took me about a good 25 minutes before i could stand up properly and walk out of the toilet. Dahm what is wrong with thy body? Guess I'll have to pass the swimming today. Even WALKING gave me the aches.

It's 16th May! And where is my SIM admission letter oh gosh. That's been keeping me on my toes for weeks, something which I've been really looking forward to and it has been keeping me on my toes. I would pretty much just love to have the confirmation! Like something to ease my mind off the many many different issues i already have. Ughh as if work isn't enough. But strangely work seems to be getting more and more bearable! Like my workplace is sort of my second home. I get uncomfortable without it, and I feel natural amongst the shelves and the racks of clothes, I laugh and joke about more with the other staff, and that pretty much makes my day. Time flies by really fast too! Probably because i have much MUCH deeper pockets than last month. Yet somehow, I feel i still need a breath of fresh air from all this work, like maybe a change of pace for a while, would be healthy.

Everyday I watch the Topshop/Topman staff at work, and everyday I listen to their tiny bickers, experience their small conflicts. And then I realise how hard it is not to get myself Involved in any of the disputes of unhappiness. How on earth can one simply not have an opinion of his own? Still I guess I shall choose to keep to myself and ignore everything that doesn't involve me, and it BETTER not involve me haha! Neither do I want to influence them in anyway, everybody has to learn to make decisions and choices, be it right or wrong. And they will only learn through the consequences. But honestly I think someone is beginning to step over the line... And if it gets too far, I might have to snap his neck. Still, lets not hope for that. I appreciate all my colleagues, I need all of them, and I would hate to sever our good work relations.

Conversing with my friends over dinner, I started to realise something about myself. My conversations are beginning to take on a more superficial stance. I talk about clothes more, I talk about fashion, dressing, other people's dressing etc etc. Stuff I dont usually talk about a year back. I talk about retail, buying things and what to get next, how I'm to save up next month to get what not, things that dont really matter in the big world out there. I'm becoming increasingly more vain, I bother more about looks than usual, and not my character. Gone are the days when I used to talk and sing of love, living, friends, going out etc etc, oh how I miss them. I dont want to get involved TOO deep into the fashion world, lest, like some real life examples I've seen, and whereby they can arrogantly proclaim their self-styled, 'unparalleled' fashion sense verbally and mentally, so much so that if you place a mirror before them, they would've forgotten what they used to look like before, and oblivious to what they looked like now. People tend to think about what they would think about themselves when they look in the mirror. But they tend to forget what others would think about them, and that is what really mattered. I dont want to have to "wake-up" from that kind of bad-dream, and when the self realisation starts to kick in it'll be painful. So I'm thinking maybe sometime away from Topshop/Topman would be nice, not permanently, but just some time away. What's the use of dressing up myself so nicely, yet I can't speak well, care about, or connect with others? I might as well replace one of the mannequins in the shop.

And here's a toast to your ever-dusty Love life Weiyu! Busy as you may be at work, and ever ignorant when you are doing so, may you STILL continue your search and find the right one for yourself! And good luck with that! Find not another tramp, harlot, vixen or a shrieking harpy. Find one whom you can connect your soul with, even if you weren't in a hurry to do so. YAM SENG.

Work as usual

It's 12th May! Still surviving! Still breathing and definitely feeling more alive than I did last month with my new pay, which leaves me more breathing space for choices and many many different motivations to get me through the month, like maybe getting something at the end of the week! Or hanging out with my friends for a movie, gaming, whatever! At least now I know my off days aren't gonna be spent stuck at home all the time! But if I actually WANT some savings, I still gotta save big time! Wouldn't wanna have holes in my pocket at the very last week like last month! What a joke.

Today some UK visitor is supposed to drop by Topshop and Topman for a look, that means the higher management is also coming down, and thus for the past 2 days I have done nothing on the shop floor except scrub the racks and shelves, scouring all manner of dirt and dust from the face of the earth! Frankly speaking most people would mistake me for a hired, cheap cleaner if not for my uniform and lanyard! All my 7 - 8 hours dedicated to cleaning, armed with a tiny pathetic pink and white checkered piece of cloth in one hand, a small green pail in the other, and a bottle of GIF stain remover. This shows how much it really PAYS to be an Ang Moh in singapore too. Just say you're coming, and the whole lot of us will scramble all over the place and tidy everything up for you. And when you finally appear, we will kiss your feet endlessly and worship you. Step into any room and you instantly become the centre of attraction! Way to go singapore! The place where things are done just to impress Ang Mohs. Anyhow i dont really bother if she thinks the shop looks like a pigsty, I'm not cleaning the shop for another 2 days after this seriously! I'm not all about scrubbing!

It's Payday!

I'm up early, I'm excited, the stuff I've been waiting for for MONTHS is finally within my grasp in a a few hours time! No more will I have to walk to work in a gloomy manner with my head hanging low, knowing I've got nothing to look forward to except... well, maybe MORE work to come. No more will I eat bread in a painful manner, wondering if it is all worth it, but with a great big sadistically SATISFIED smile! No more will I spend my days doing painful countdowns to this moment! Today onwards I shall walk on the CLOUDS, and display fierce ARROGANCE, unmatched and peerless, as I walk the streets! Today I will walk around with a golden crown studded with jewels on my head! And look down on all the other lesser-beings with such scorn that only SLAVES would receive! And wherever I go, a TRAIL OF FIRE WILL FOLLOW! And when I'm finally done dramatizing the whole day! I shall rest my head on my pillow, comfortably, knowing that the POSB account is finally safe and stabilized! (or actually just has some money inside!) And I don't care what you might think! If you happen to chance upon me on the streets, all you will get a firsthand glimpse of my impressive nostrils wahaha. And know that if this disgusts you in an impressive fashion, I don't really bother! Pathetic human scums.

MAYDAY

I'm beginning to enjoy working once again! Or at least, GOING to work. Because each day i work, time flies by, and I know I'm one step closer to the grand prize... I can walk on with my head high, and not a care in the world! So long as I always have someone to talk to! These few days are filled with mixed blessings, with each day getting more exciting than the next? Man I really don't know what to expect.

First off it's my amazing lunch-box theft case! I used to pack my food in plastic and paper bags to work, but they kept tearing, and to save myself those embarrasing moments of having to hug my food in an awkward manner all the way for the train ride, i reluctantly had to use my Red FILA shoe-bag to stuff it all in. It was a great idea! I mean so far so good! Nothing bad ever comes out of it, maybe only a slightly bad smell... Ooops! Anyway, just this one day I had to use the citilink loo for a quick piss, so i left my shoebag at the sink, specifically, BEHIND the hand drier so no one could see it from outside, and you'd have to really turn your head to the right upon entering to see it. I was done about 30 seconds, unzipping, zipping and all, and when i came out the shoebag was simply... gone! So fast! I checked with the cleaners outside, they said they didn't see it! Man even david copperfield couldn't do it that fast, he always had to make a 45 second long speech or hand gestures before he did anything! Stupid loser ran so fast with my shoebag that he probably didn't even think through what was in it! Just because it's, you know, heavy, abit out of shape, doesn't mean it has something expensive? Honestly I would love to see the guys face when he opens it. Inside, my water bottle, and my lunchbox for the day. So much for the adrenaline rush and anxiety to get away huh pal? All you get is a good deal of rice and chicken, courtesy of Momma-Chen. Yeah F-Y-L. Basket. Honestly what pisses me off the most is that, I'm trying to save money, and that's a nice decent meal i'm about to have in DAYS. I ate BREAD for DAYS. And just when i get RICE and CHICKEN hot from the Kitchen you steal it away! And not just that! I know you're not going to find it useful, and after you steal my good stuff, you're probably just gonna throw it away! THAT i cannot accept. That mofo had better tried to eat it at least. and EAT THE VEGETABLES! Christ how many times have i fantasized swinging a baseball bat into his imaginary face already, or drowning him in the toilet bowl. That'll really give me some satisfaction! And goddahm it it's my mom's favourite lunch box, which she reluctantly lent me that very day. I felt so bad, i had to call her on the phone to tell her her lunchbox got stolen. I'm going to hunt him down, seriously.

Anyway cut the hair today, my usual stylists out of town for two weeks! Gonna miss her, so today i got a cut from a new guy. It looks a little different from the usual fare, in terms of my fringe now being really short, and my sides looking better! Let's hope for the best in a few days time, now it's really nice, slick and tidy!

Then on my way to work, the very last part before i walked into Topshop, why did it so happen for me to get that sudden big blast from the past that was long overdue. That green bag slung over her shoulder? That untied, shoulder-length hair I was so familiar with once, over a year ago? That same empty look with the eyes all over the floor or the phone? That same empty look I had fooled myself into believing back then. That very face I have not seen for a year, and can barely even remember, yet it was unmistakable. Fortunately for me the moment passed so quickly I didn't have any time to react or decide to react. I just walked forward, onward to work, onward to my new life. And fortunately for me there was little for her to recognise me by, with my hair, and my shades and other tiny personal effects which pretty much contrasted what i looked like a year ago. And amazing for all the hatred, fear, and repulsion i imagined to have arose from that very moment all along, It never materialized. I just felt empty, nothing, only the need to be on time. Perhaps it wasn't worth the effort, perhaps it just didn't matter. But it was a strong reminder to myself to keep walking on, even with these bloodied feet. I know that I have moved on, And I will never look at the floor again. So much out there to see when you look forward.