Underlying Feeling

Finally! The last time I'll ever close the shop at 11pm on the evening! No more of being the only shop still open at 10, and having to watch every other shop around you close (except MACDONALDS), and their employees all changed and ready to go home while you'll still stuck there saying "WELCOME", and "GOODBYE SEE YOU AGAIN" to them as they leave. Oooh the liberty. And here I am, home at last, all showered ready for bed, but somehow i just dont feel like sleeping just yet. Kind of like I have all these thoughts stuck in my head that i cant get out, when there's just nobody around to talk to! I don't have much to say to my closest mates actually, because honestly I think they've heard just about enough from me sometimes haha! Like same situation, same problem! You're still stuck in that same old well! When do you ever plan to climb out that kind of thing? And somehow I'm pretty tired of sharing my various hopes for the better with others already, like, why am i wasting time HOPING instead of doing or trying something that could potentially help, rather than imagine it to happen, out of thin air! Like take example if there's some girl I'm slowly trying go after at the moment! I'd find myself pretty often talking about how I hope things will turn out, and maybe I should try this this this, or that and that in the current situation, and I'm grateful for their opinions on the matter, like if something turned out funny they'd say, "Oh maybe she's just shy no worries... it's not you", But yeah i mean I'm afraid I'm so well aware of reality that i know it's all just meant to make me feel better! But thanks nonetheless guys haha! But at the end of the day their opinions might not be the same as that of the MAIN SUBJECT itself! So it's puzzling! Like I will never know if I'm doing something really WRONG or if I'm really on the right path on my own. So it's all trial and error for now I guess! It feels somehow remarkably exciting and thrilling in it's own way, like "Ooooh-here's-that-long-awaited-chance you've been looking for! Waited for dunno how many blue moons already! Get to it!", But at the same time it's also incredibly frightening, "Man if I screw this up again... what am i going to do! Finding a suitable one is hard and took long enough! I can't screw this up." Sure that's easy to say! But then "Wait... how do i not screw this up? I don't know. Perfect. I simply dont know ANYTHING about not screwing up. Do I remember anything about being successful even once? No, and no that one time doesn't count - AT ALL! All I remember are all the perfect screw-ups I've had over the years a 20 year old can possibly have." So yeah you basically get the idea! And worst of all is the thought that keeps screaming in the back of my head "I don't want to become a creep! Not like the others!! But how?" I feel like I'm about to jump into a big bucket of ice! STILL, I really have to keep encouraging myself to try try try try try. Try first! See how it goes, good or bad, take it or leave it. But to find the courage is tough. Ever had those long moments (usually in the afternoon!) to ponder over whether you should do something or not before you actually carry it out? Yeah wow, how often it happens to me man. Yet I've finally found a strange way of gaining ABIT more courage to do it. So strange it is, it's actually going for a work-out! Whether it's running till I'm dying on the side of the treadmill of stomach cramps and panting like a fish out of water, working those gym weights for the whole afternoon and gratifying all the pain, or swimming as if I've been dropped in the middle of the ocean, and Singapore's many many miles away! Because at the end of it, you get some sort of Euphoria from exerting yourself, especially if you've just worked past your limit, broke a personal best, and when the body's recovering it starts feeding you the feel good sensation, satisfaction! And that's where the confidence comes! Sadly to say haha! that I HAVE specially made a decision after a whole day at gym, and another after a 4km swim! Of course there were many others, but these two were particularly significant! But somehow dont you just wonder after you've made those decisions, are they the right ones? HAHA oh well. These problems will never end. I'll just have to keep trying. And since there's no one online to share this with! I'll have to lay it all out on the blog, and that's why I'm here.

And wow! How do you actually MOVE someone, whom you already know has an interest probably elsewhere? Wonderful. Another problem I have to solve in time hahaha! Got to stay positive.

Opening your eyes

My reservist is done! I'm finally going back to my old workplace. Thankfully it wasn't TOO long, but just a right. A good enough break from the working world, with little to worry about, just myself and my performance. I can't talk much about what i went through the past 2 weeks, but it was one of the most mentally grueling two weeks I ever had! By Thursday morning my brain was so drained of useful input, if i took it out just to probably have a look it would resemble a miserable dry and flaky sponge. Yet at the end of the day they told me this course would really change the way i thought about the world if you get into it, and I'd say it really does. I look much deeper into what the people around me say, read in between the lines more often than not, suspect things more often than not even if i don't realize it or don't show it on my face. But I certainly need this to protect myself, for being relatively young, who can truly say you are ready for the outside world and some of the people outside? If there's one thing burned deep in my mind, is that people are never as simple as they look. Women especially, who truly knows what goes opn in their heads? Whether they're really being NICE to you... or behind your back there is truly another purpose... Thankfully I have already uncovered one so quickly before there was any real damage to anyone. I guess I have to be a little bit more careful with the next

Pick up the phone, pick up the phone

My life in a traditional Chinese family, Dad's all about money AND making the money, works late into the night everytime and it's not uncommon to find him asleep on the table, sofa or what not, just so he can later 'wake up' and catch his favourite 2am Taiwanese news. Mom's a housewife, cooks, nags all day long about how much food I'm wasting, plays mahjong every weekend, and steals all kinds of freebies from restaurants and hotels home. My sister and brother are both about 28, 27 respectively, and being the youngest of the lot, leaves me with a large age gap of about 6 - 7 years apart. It's no surprise that 4 of them are like minded, and I tend to think abit more radically, being in the supposed OTHER generation. Like my brother and sister would tend to keep quiet when they're given a good finger wagging, but you would not achieve the same result when it comes to me! There are many things I'm pretty good at doing at home, but keeping quiet I am not! Ever since I was young I always liked to talk back, especially when I'm REALLY not at fault! Because i think it's stupid getting canned for something you didn't do and be the silent victim! Then later flashing two big teary eyes "But i really never~~" But hey I really wasn't a problem child of any sort, I never got into fights, never smoked whatever, But still my mom was appalled. What kind of son is this? So unlike the other two! So one day she actually tried to send me to this... psychiatric counseller? Apparantly this guy was some sort of expert dealing with problematic kids blah blah blah. I remember walking into his room and seeing his huge wall decorated full with certificates, awards with long university names that would bring a deep pain to remember, his desk full of paper and metallic paperweights, and behind his desk were some photographs of himself, posing with many many different families and their supposed problematic kids, i remember one in particular he was posing with a kid who had a cap on and both of them giving a thumbs up, along with a $2 smile, wide and baring their teeth. Later heard one of the kids actually punched his own mom in the stomach. Below those photographs were WOW, huge big gift hampers (it was close to chinese new year then), Each littered with awesome tasty looking crackers, biscuits and candy, all the things a kid like me would fancy! And then the signature big round bottle of XO Martell on top. All lavishly decorating his floor. And the room had this strange musky smell, which kept giving me the impression that there was ginseng burning maybe under his table. Or maybe it was just his socks i dont know. He was a spectacled guy, wearing a white or grey buttoned shirt, and looked rather cheery, almost as if he saw pot of gold walking in. He greeted my mom first, politely, in that sort of gentlemanly way you would expect to find in James Bond movies, but no he did not kiss her hand or anything, if not I would have been pretty sure the Martell from the hamper would be the last thing he would ever kiss. Then he greeted me with the kiddish "hello~~", Honestly Im really glad I still had a conservative middle finger at that point of time? Otherwise we would REALLY have a problem. I think i practically ignored him or something, i donr remember saying much. I didn't like talking to strangers then. I just sat down where i was told two, one of the two chairs in front of his impressive teak desk. I don't really know why, but i just had the sudden thought that this guy's only out to impress parents, with all the decorations, everything on display, it struck me that his room was kind of like a little museum, and the whole set up was only to sell one thing, himself. And of course all the traditional aunties and moms really digged certs and awards and all that, even now! I was beginning to think this whole thing was a joke. So he asked me a few questions, all of it i couldn't remember, and I remember not saying much, and my mom was usually answering for me, then i would laugh sarcastically or something like that, and the doctor would look at me and smile or pass some other sarcastic comment, then i would just smile back. To tell the truth I dont think he did ANY convincing or anything of that sort, like break me down and telling me to try to be better that kind of thing, just... talked talked talked. It bored me immensely, and so i kept staring at his gift hampers. Thank the gods they were there! They made for fine entertainment. I mean why the hell would I wanna look at his certs? They don't make for fine reading. All i could see was this line across the middle of the page, and his name typed out in bold, before this huge signature at the bottom left corner and a gold seal on the right. Boring stuff. I prefered comics, or animal pictorials. So I scruntinized each box and packet of crackers and sweets carefully... Oooh I liked that one! yum yum. Oooh that one too! And my mind just drifted off into the wonders of taste ... before he asked me another question and i snapped right back into reality. By the end of the day I guess he accomplished nothing, my mom was not satisfied with anything either, and I just left the place with a constant nagging all the way to the family car. Wonder what was wrong with those other kids.

And now my family's worried about what I'm turning out to be, mostly it's just my appearance in general. When i got my left ear pierced last year, they literally flipped. Because well, no other guy in my family, all my cousins and such, ever even considered ear piercing. I mean it's a small thing to everyone else outside of course, just the EARS, whereas I have seen people piercing everything from the bellies, eyebrows, tongues and their (Ouchhhh!) nipples. When my relatives and uncles and aunts saw my pierced ear I dont know what they were truly thinking on the inside, but what they would say would generally be "Wahhh stylo ahhh", "Not bad, I like your modern... fashion sense." Honestly i think behind my back they would be telling my younger cousins "Better dont become like him ah, Better not to look at him also! Later you follow! He can, you cannot!", and honestly I sure hope none of them (the boys) ever do pierce. Because my pants will be sure catch fire. "YOU! YOU SEE LAH! YOU TAUGHT MY SON!" Well i believe everyone has a choice in what they do! but well, just unlucky I'd be the first one in the whole big family, for BOTH sides mom and dad's, to pierce the ears. And no need to say when i got my second one slightly higher up the ear (but i rarely use anymore), they almost wanted to kick me out of the house haha! Ah what a funny sight. Next came the lines on my hair on the left side. First there were two, then came three, and now there's about 7. Each time I'm trying something new. And now my mom's super convinced that for every crime committed in singapore I'm sure die die going to get called in for questioning. Even if i were MILES away from the crime scene. They'd just pull me in because of the lines on the left side of my head. So i told her if that's the case maybe I'll consider bandaging the left side of my head each time I go out. But of course not what the hell! Finally came the time when i printed some tattoo images i found on google, because i really LOVED the art, and i thought why not i just pencil out a few myself, to see if I could draw too. And when my dad saw those pictures. He flipped. " (in chinese) You're not really considering getting a tattoo are you son?!", "Ah no lah i just want to draw...", "Eh i tell you ah! dont be crazy ah! Tattoo put already cannot take out one know! so ugly.", "EHHH HELLO My hand itchy i just want to draw something lah! ART.", "You dont art art art! Later you get hooked and you really want to get one!", then FML, mom walks by "YOU AH! WANT TO GET TATTOO AH?!" Well anyway the result of that small encounter is on facebook! Finally drew a decent fish! One of the few things i was actually proud of! Probably my best art so far too!

Disappointment?

Oh christ sweet jesus, mother of buddha! Is my luck really that bad in life? Once again I have failed my stupid driving test, Then of course I'd have a thousand reasons to say why i shouldn't have failed, and then I'll be bombarded with another thousand reasons why i should have rightfully failed blah blah blah, honestly I grow weary of it all, so I'm going to have to put it all out of mind for the moment. No major mistakes for me today, no immediate failures, It wasn't perfect, but I was pretty sure it was the best i could have given, in and out of the circuit. 4 lessons learning a whole new vehicle would have pretty much paid off if I passed, all those little paper notes i wrote at home for the new vehicle should have pretty much reminded me of the differences from the Honda VTI. Still I guess that won't be enough, especially with a tester who just loves picks on every nitty gritty detail of the car. Ooooh if you wanna kill me please just do it with a huge knife and a big clean stab into the chest, why'd you have to go through the big trouble of getting a really tiny one, then slowly cutting and sawing in a zig zag manner through the flesh? He gave me every tiny mistake possible, half of it solely came from mirrors. Mirrors mirrors mirrors. How can i possibly do a lane change or turn without using my mirrors even once. Maybe my head wasn't moving enough or something! I'll be sure to do a 360 turn the next time round. Sure some of the mistakes i made are definitely justifiable, but seriously all the mirrors one? My mirrors itself amounted about 16 points. The next dumbest one was my handbrake on the slope. I moved off after releasing the handbrake, and i kept forgetting that the JAZZ model makes amazing handbrakes and included this annoying beeping sensor to it too. I released it, but apparantely it wasn't flat enough into the dock, so as i went down the slope it just went *deet deet deet*, and i was knew what that was so i quickly released it somemore. But wow really ruthless, gave me points for that too. Added with the rest, wow high score! 32. I have never hit so high in my life. The previous test i had one immediate, but still amounted only 18. In other words I was screwed from the very beginning meeting this guy. Sure enough talking to a friend (who already passed!), she got the exact same dude, saaaameee problem, failed all because of the bloody mirrors and high score. Am i fed up? Yeah i suppose so, After starving myself on crap for about 2 months to cover the lesson fees and the test fees, having practically no life and staying home most of the time on my off days, only to have it thrown into the bin, how can i not be the least bit unhappy even if I tried to be? I could put on the haha-face to everyone i met, but it will never hide my true feelings inside. My only comfort is that well, at least this time it didn't feel half as bad as the last time, though it sure as hell ruined my day, and that eventually it will be put out of my mind. I still have my two legs, I can still walk around, and i guess i wont have to snatch dad's car anytime soon. I will probably become the butt joke of my mates if they found out, i mean sure, they can laugh long at hard at me, And I will always get into this mini-depression mode that lasts for about a day or two, before finally this put on the similar strong-fronted mask no matter how unhappy or upset i get and hide all the emotions. I may fail time and time again, but I will never ever appear to be weak in front of others again. That is a big mistake any man can make.

Still it kind of bothers me, with all this silly issues in life. Firstly it's the money, Do i really want to go through another month or so of lifelessness? JUST so i can get that license, my own supposed ticket to being an adult? Or should i just give it up for now, and return to it probably in the near future, when perhaps everything is more or less stabilized, and when i have a proper career and stuff. Would it be better then? I know the only way i can continue this farce is to stick out my hand in front of my dad and ask him for more money, but what the hell would that prove. Im already working so why on heaven and earth should i take money from him, except when school starts of course. So probably no, but then again it's quite a fool's notion to give up after so long, and I HATE giving up, on anything (except maybe on certain people), I'd sooner die than face a loss. Like wow i've come all this way, So close to passing, then I'm quitting. Course It'd be simpler to decide if the whole test is FREE. But it's not, it's $156 each time for booking a test, and a $238 for 4 lessons. That money isn't coming out of my CPF, It's coming out of my ever-bleeding savings account, my lifeblood, my life. I put in alot of effort working 6 days a week, and overtiming in Topshop last month, just to get some extra cash to spend, and at the same time save up. I'm not about to bleed all of that away for some drive around I can enjoy better on a PS3. Somehow I begin to realise alot from this, about being an adult. It isn't simply about getting a job, getting a girlfriend, getting money, etc etc. It's all about these hundreds and thousands of choices. Which one is right which one seems wrong, and at the end of the day the real problem is which one to pick. And it's not a "yes" or "no" thing, It's more like "Yes, BUT .... " and "No, but then..." God these things are really giving me problems in the head.

And the other thing i realise about myelf and things around me is: Everyone can do it the first time, most probably by the second time, and they can do it for more or less everything, but noooo I can't, I have to do it again and again and again and again till I finally succeed. My only comforting thought? Is that when I succeed (after very very long), I tend to be slightly better than the rest, that said, without ego or hubris included. But man do i really have to stumble for then, fall and fall, like, how many times do i have to scrape my knees before I accomplish something. People can climb up to the top of the hill unscathed, and I always have to go up bloody with tattered clothes and a walking stick to go along with it. The whole concept of this problem is that when people finally reach the top of THAT hill, the still have the strength to speak and look good, they can give good advice, blah blah blah. When I'm finally up there, and when I speak with a mouth full of broken teeth? Who the HELL is gonna be interested in listening to this old man blabber some 3 cents worth? I cant look good either, and neither would I be as credible. And when we're both off to a next new task, lets say another hill, To him it's just another climb, to me it's the whole fall all over again. Gonna to roll down this hill first, before i climb on 4's up the next. Oh come on god, or whoever's up there on that mighty white seat that could easily pass off as a toilet bowl, I know I have an almost supernatural patience, a stronger will than my 2 other siblings and than most people I know, I can take more hits than some people too, I can take pain, Hell i think i might even be able to give birth too! But is all that PAIN necessary for me? Just because i can take doesn't mean I WANT it. Like if i can help it, why not move my foot away before it gets stepped on? Why can't i get everything right on the first try, and not through all the trial and errors in life? This isn't just driving man, it's close to everything. Studies, work, sports. Even woo-ing people is a big pain in the ass for me. Maybe it's something about myself I have to look further into as i grow, Then maybe i can change the way things turn out. Oh boy, for now, I just really hope for my luck to turn for the better. My ship's been in stormy waters long enough, and the sky can only hold that much rain. It has to end soon.

Electric Hazeee

Yup, I picked up the remote, and pressed the pause button on my day job for now. Goodbye Marina Square, goodbye Topshop, Goodbye ugly black hangers that never cease to fall all over the floor, goodbye to the ugly smelly knickers, I hate arranging you over and over again! And lastly goodbye to the SHOPFLOOR! No need to clean you anymore wooohoooo! But stay clean always yeah? I'd hate to have to scrub you again.

Waking up knowing you can slowly climb out of your bed, eyes still closed even, is simply awesome in small doses. No need to rush to the toilet and get read, no need to pack the food, no need to walk 15 minutes just to get to the MRT, Then no need to be all sweaty and squeeze with other sweaty people on board, no need to worry if my goddahm EZ LINK card need to top up $10 again or not! OOOH think i'll just lie on the floor for abit more... mmmm... okay now to the bathroom. I can lie somemore in there...

I'm back to driving lessons once more, and after so long of not PROPERLY driving the dahm thing, I seem to have forgotten most of everything. Plus I'm learning and taking the test with a new car now! Awesome... wonder how many times my car kept stalling on the stupid slope becuase I'm not used to the biting point. My tester is so going to love this. Stupid Taxi die die didn't wanna give way to me today also, even when I'm changing lane halfway already, bugger just sped forward. I swear if My left hand wasn't changing gears i would have thrown something out the window. Mmmm am I turning into an ANGRY driver? Let's hope not. But today just wasn't smooth, itty bitty mistakes here and there. And when's my test? lets just say it's the day... after tomorrow. AWESOME. I'm so confident right now, I'm gonna do it with a blindfold. Wonder if i should show the tester that i drive equally well on the grass and on the road. I know I probably should get it done and over with now! But still, ah boy. You gotta hate these dahm tests. And TOUGH luck. Maybe i should follow a friend of mine, go temple and pray for some AWESOME road conditions, good weather, NICE tester etc etc... And just nice there's one at the side of BBDC, CONVENIENT. I shall pray to that big sexy golden statue towering the whole place before i drive out! Hope it works!